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What’s up SammichNow.com followers?  It has been too long since my comrades or I have posted anything, so I decided to break the silence.

First and foremost let me be the last to wish you a Merry Christmas (not Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas) and a Happy New Year, and the first to wish you a Happy Memorial Day.

My #1 most hated activity in the world is GROCERY SHOPPING, and I have to believe that a majority of people in this world are with me on this one.

Why do I have grocery shopping?  I am glad you asked.

1. The people!

a. I live in a Detroit suburb and the grocery store closest to my neighborhood is arguably the closet grocery store to “Downtown Detroit” (No, it is not self endangerment to shop here, but it does suck.)

b. When you walk into this store, you are expected to check any dignity/manners/politeness you have, and if you don’t you will be chewed up and spit out.

2. How many times do I have to touch the damn groceries?

a. The answer is fucking SEVEN TIMES.  (Shelf to cart, cart to conveyer belt, conveyer belt to bag, bag to cart, cart to car, car to house, bag to cupboard.

b. You guessed it, at Kroger you get to bag your own groceries (this is still coming up).

3. Bagging your own groceries.

a. I couldn’t wait, I had to get into this one.  At “MY” Kroger you have to bag your own shit.  That is right, I pay for the opportunity to put my stuff in a plastic bag (reusable and paper bags are for “the blue side of politics”.  I take advantage of technology and convenience and use plastic with handles.

b. Todays cashier thought it was “OK” to run all the groceries through the scanner, and the watch me bag!  Are you kidding me?  I decided to walk around the cart, pay my bill and stand there while I watched her bag the rest.  “Sir you didn’t have to put all the pop up here, you could of left it in the cart”.  F Off lady, put it in my cart.

4. Lines at checkout

a. I know I went out of order, who cares.  I have never managed a grocery store, nor do I want to (other then to get back at the bastards who manage the stores I shop at, “Sorry, this lane and every other lane just closed”).  But I do know that a manger, stock boy, dude waxing the floor can all come up to the front and help when there are three lanes open and count em, 31 people in line.  Zero exaggeration, 100% fact.

b. Instead of the manager lady (with her degree in business from Devry) picking a lane and opening it up.  She sits on her walkie talkie and calls all the other people up to help.  Off their lunch, off their break, up from a nap, whatever.

c. Once the manager lady gets someone up to help she decides to take a lane and move it over one.  So I said “Why is that lane going into the open lane, they are further back in their line then I am, or even the old lady in front of me”  Manager Lady “I choose who goes”  DP “Sorry God” (seriously couldn’t get this out without laughing at the “od” part.  She was pissed and it made my evening.

5. Kids

a. Some would say I hate kids.  I would disagree.  I despise kids with a passion.  Especially unattended children in my way or runnign into me at the grocery store.  I am obviously on edge as soon as I walk in.  Add a germ infested screaming asshole kid, and I am ready to play whack a mole with them all.

6. Who moved the baking soda….AGAIN

a. I am sure that stores spend thousands of dollars on floor plan layout, and what should be where and why and when.  But do any of them realize that every time they move the fucking cheerios it makes me want to go “Falling Down” on the place?  Seriously, stop moving the Olive Oil.

Conclusion:

Something I tell all the people around me is no bitching if you don’t have a solution.  Well I do.  Of coarse I do.

1. I need a HOOTERS branded grocery store. 

a. Chicks in minimal clothing, hanging out in the frozen food isle makes me and every other dude in this world want to go grocery shopping.

Hooters

2. Scanners and bags for everyone.

a. As soon as I walk in, I want a scanner and PLASTIC bags.  I want to take stuff off the shelf, scan it, put it in the bag and in the cart.  Think there will be too much theft?  Hire hotties with Springfield XD .45 acp’s to patrol the store to keep everything in check.  (one dude named Tazer with 19 inch arms is allowed per store to protect the bitches).

 

Cop

3. Kiddy Daycare

a. A daycare when you walk in.  Kids get dropped off when the parents get ther, picked up when they leave.  I love this because I dont have any ankle bitters running into me with carts and crying cause they didnt get their favorite cereal, mom and dad love it because they dont have to talk their way out of buying the kid 9 different kinds of gum.

<Searching for “hot babysitter” might get the local authorities to stop by my house tomorrow.  Damn it.>

4. iPods 4 All

a. Don’t talk to me, I am listening to music on purpose so you don’t do exactly what you are doing….talking to me.  Stop it.  Go back to calorie counting the turkey breast with your wife.

b. Why do people want to make conversation   with you over mouthwash?  I don’t care if the Kroger brand is cheaper, I bought what I wanted now leave me the f alone, I am listening to my iPod and can’t hear you.

ipod


Chris Risner